Couples Therapy and the Disasters of Relationship

Couples Therapy and the Disasters of Relationship

by | Feb 9, 2022 | Couples Therapy

Couples Therapy

You’ve probably come across the proverb ‘familiarity breeds contempt’. The Collins Dictionary definition states the expression is used to say that if you know a person or a situation very well, you can easily lose respect for that person, or become careless in that situation. When it comes to couples relationships, research has given some scientific validity to the old proverb.

In the last post, I described how the Masters of Relationship were found to be consciously building a culture of appreciation with each other. One of the ways they do this is to habitually turn toward their partner to notice the things they do, say and feel and in this way show appreciation. There are many ways to turn towards your partner, but effectively it is about being interested in their experience and looking for things their partner is doing right. Being interested in your partners experience is also about respecting them as a person.

The Disasters of Relationship, on the other hand, tend to habitually turn away from their partner. They look for things their partner is doing wrong and criticize in all kinds of ways. The research showed that this means they miss roughly 50% of the positive things their partner may be doing, and worse, they see negativity even when it’s not there. The worst way the Disasters of Relationship turn away from their partner is by displaying contempt towards their partner. Among others things, contempt is about lack of respect for the other person. So giving your partner the cold shoulder, putting them down (particularly in front of others), deliberately ignoring them or even just responding minimally are all ways of expressing contempt.

And research shows that the regular presence of contempt in a couples relationship predicts early divorce in marriages more consistently than any other factor.

About the Author Campbell MacBean

Campbell has over 20 years’ experience working with couples, individuals and groups. He is a Registered Psychologist (AHPRA), and Certified Gottman Therapist (CGT) through the Gottman Institute based in Seattle, USA. He is a Member of the Australian Psychological Society (MAPS) and a Graduate of the Australian Institute of Company Directors (GAICD) read more here.

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Our speech pathology and psychology clinic is located in Braddon, ACT, in Canberra’s CBD. Call us on 5117 4890 or email reception@inpositivehealth.com to get in touch.

In Positive Health, Canberra. Nel MacBean Speech Pathologist Canberra. Campbell MacBean Psychologist Canberra.

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A Culture of Appreciation

A Culture of Appreciation

by | Jan 31, 2022 | Couples Therapy

Because relationship for humans is like the air we breathe, we often tend to take one another for granted. This may be particularly true in intimate partner relationships over time. Over years of working with couples in therapy, one theme that often emerges is that a couple who has been together for some time, perhaps with children, tend to ignore their relationship. There is a tendency for a ‘set and forget’ mentality once a commitment has been made and life gets busy.

In contrast, research shows Masters of Relationship consciously build a culture of appreciation with each other. They find ways to validate and affirm each other in small ways. Making eye contact and smiling to each other, physical touch, showing interest in each other’s thoughts or ideas (even though they may not agree), complimenting or giving verbal appreciation for simple day to day events (like cooking dinner), are just some of the possible ways couples build a culture of appreciation.

If we want to strengthen our relationship, one important task for a couple is to take time to ask each other “What is our culture”?

You may come from similar or very different backgrounds. You may come from different countries, language or cultural groups. But if you want to strengthen your relationship, one of your jobs as a couple is to actively create your own culture, a culture that is unique to you two. What are our rituals? What do we want to stand for in the face of external threats? Why is this important to us? What example do we want to set for our children, or grandchildren, our community?

Our speech pathology and psychology clinic is located in Braddon, ACT, in Canberra’s CBD. Call us on 5117 4890 or email reception@inpositivehealth.com to get in touch.

In Positive Health, Canberra. Nel MacBean Speech Pathologist Canberra. Campbell MacBean Psychologist Canberra.

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A Culture of Appreciation

Gottman Therapy and Masters of Emotional Safety

by | Jan 21, 2022 | Couples Therapy

Gottman Therapy

In 1986 John Gottman and his colleague Robert Levenson set up a lab in the grounds of the University of Seattle. This lab was quickly dubbed ‘The Love Lab’. With their research team, they hooked up each couple to electrodes and asked them to talk about their relationship, including a major conflict they had together. The electrodes measured heart rate, blood flow and sweat glands – key physiology markers. From this physiology data, the researchers were able to divide the couples into Masters and Disasters of relationship.

6 years later the researchers did a follow up study on all the couples. The Masters were still happily together, whereas the Disasters had either divorced or were unhappy in their relationship. One of the key differences was physiology. When talking about an ongoing problem they had together, the Disasters looked calm on the outside, but their physiology data showed they were in fight or flight mode – fast blood flow, increased heart rates and active sweat glands. Over years of research with thousands of couples, Gottman and colleagues found that the more active the physiology in the Love Lab a couple showed, the quicker their relationship deteriorated over time.

The Masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and safe with each other, their behaviour looked warm and affectionate even when they were arguing. The Masters weren’t born with any special gift, they had instead created and maintained an atmosphere of emotional trust and intimacy together. Emotionally comfortable meant physiologically comfortable. We could say they were Masters of Emotional Safety.

About the Author

Read more about Campbell MacBean Psychologist Braddon Canberra

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Certified Gottman Therapist Braddon Canberra

Our speech pathology and psychology clinic is located in Braddon, ACT, in Canberra’s CBD. Call us on 5117 4890 or email reception@inpositivehealth.com to get in touch.

In Positive Health, Canberra. Nel MacBean Speech Pathologist Canberra. Campbell MacBean Psychologist Canberra.

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Local Landcare. Small Numbers, Big Heart.

Local Landcare. Small Numbers, Big Heart.

by | Jul 4, 2015 | Thought of the Week

 

I live at the foot of Mt Gibraltar in Bowral NSW (height 863m). The remains of an open cut quarry are literally 200m from my house within the small bush reserve of the mount. Recently the Landcare group who look after the reserve paid for a stone wall to be built as a memorial.

It’s a striking and beautiful monument to the 100 years of operation of the Trachite quarry (1886 to 1986). The Trachite stone from this quarry may be familiar to you in buildings in Sydney such as the QVB and Commonwealth Bank buildings on George St, and the National Library building in Canberra.

The Landcare group regularly cleans up the undergrowth and cuts down non native pine trees to allow regeneration of the native temperate rainforest trees. This is a big job for the small number of volunteers but they do it out of love and pride in the local environment. Landcare groups around Australia take care of local environments, clean up creeks and prevent erosion.

A positive thing to do for themselves, their communities and their environment! No wonder we say the heart swells with pride.

In Positive Health, Canberra. Nel MacBean Speech Pathologist Canberra. Campbell MacBean Psychologist Canberra.

Of Love & Limerence

Of Love & Limerence

by | Mar 17, 2015 | Campbell MacBean, Couples Therapy

I was at a wedding last weekend, the best I’ve ever attended (apart from my own!). What was so good about it? Well, apart from perfect weather, gorgeous location, excellent catering and moving speeches, here was a couple who actually love each other.

As a couples therapist I have seen many couples who started out ‘in love’ but struggle to negotiate the transition from ‘in love’ to love. The technical term used for this ‘in love’ stage is limerence (Tennov, 1979). Wikipedia defines limerence as “an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one’s feelings reciprocated”.

Right. So when you are ‘in love’ you are overwhelmed with feelings for the person you are attracted to and are driven by an obsessive need for them to feel the same about you. But the problem is that in this state we do not actually see the real person. We see an idealised image, or in other words, we see who we want to see, not who is actually there. The danger is that when we finally wake up out of limerence we are faced with the real person. The question then is, can we now love the real person and not the image?

Limerence can only last up to 2 years or so. Love begins after limerence, when we can finally see the living, breathing flesh and blood man or woman that we are sharing our life with. The wonderful thing about this fact is that love is truly like good wine, it really can deepen and mature with age. It reflects both the vintage in which it was bottled and the changes time inevitably brings.

But unlike wine, a love relationship needs to be baked daily like fresh bread. It is never set and forget.

In Positive Health, Canberra. Nel MacBean Speech Pathologist Canberra. Campbell MacBean Psychologist Canberra.