As a parent you may find yourself overwhelmed with directions from friends, family, and especially social media, explaining the right way to parent your children. It can be difficult to follow conflicting advice, or even understand what this advice really looks like in practice.  

Continuing from my last blog post, Breaking the Cycle: Fostering Secure Attachment in Parent/Child Relationships, this blog aims to expand on the concept of Good Enough Parenting, and give some examples of how this can be done.  

The Circle of Security program expresses the idea of a child being supported by their caregivers when the child is going out from them (exploring their world) and coming in to them (touching base). This does not always refer to a child leaving the vicinity of the parent/caregiver entirely – but can be as simple as sitting next to them doing an activity, or being on the opposite side of a room.  

The program encourages children to explore without fear of upsetting their caregiver, or being micromanaged in what they can play with and experience, and to return to the parent and be met with interest and delight. Being consistent in your engaged responses to these cues just 30% of the time is what it means to be Good Enough in your parenting.     

What can this look like? Responding to a child when they return from playing in another area of the home, or when they come to show you something they have found. Simply taking a few seconds to make eye-contact and engage in a conversation with your child before they leave to return to their activity. This is good enough! 

This is the action of the child ‘touching base’ with you, where children are seeking acknowledgement from their caregiver, to know that their caregiver is interested in them, in what they are doing, and genuinely approves of them. This sense of security and acknowledgment can be achieved in a brief few-word exchange.  

What else can this look like? Greeting your child positively after a period of separation. For example, when picking them up from school – by telling them how happy you are to see them. Asking them questions about artwork they have created and telling them they have done well. It is making a conscious effort to hold space for them, reenforcing that they are loved, and expresses to them that you are delighted in their existence. 

The Circle of Security program is similar to the work of John and Julie Gottman, who explain the positive effect of Emotion Coaching as a style of parenting. Emotion Coaching asks that parents listen with empathy and validate their children’s feelings as much as possible. When these feelings are not acknowledged by the caregiver, or if they are shut down as unimportant or wrong, it can be deeply upsetting for the child. Over time, the child may develop an aversion to seek connection and emotional regulation entirely, depending on the frequency and severity of the rejection.  

Remember: There is no such thing as perfect parenting. Being aware of this and attempting to become more attentive to the emotional needs of your children is a great starting point to foster security and improve connection. Engaging actively and positively with your children is a learning process that you will not always get right. The goal should be to do good enough, listen enough, respond enough, be interested enough.  

“Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” Catherine M. Wallace.