Attachment Theory explains the critical need for infants and children to develop a secure attachment with their primary caregiver. Parents who experienced traumatic or negligent upbringings will likely develop insecure attachment styles themselves and may have difficulty fostering secure attachment with their own children. In essence, how you respond in times of big displays of emotion can directly relate to how these emotions were received and handled by your own primary caregivers in infancy and youth.  

For example, if as a child you were taught that crying was an inappropriate response and you would be verbally or physically punished, you may find that when your own child is crying, you become aggravated and yell, as this was what was modelled to you as a child. Alternatively, you may disengage completely – for not wanting to react the same way as your own caregivers, and remembering how an aggressive reaction made you feel – but being equally unable to engage with a nurturing, curious, involved response to the behaviour. This disengagement from emotional displays leaves children to attempt to regulate their emotions themselves, and over time they learn that they cannot depend on their caregiver to be with them when they are experiencing these emotions.  

The Circle of Security program refers to this triggering as your ‘Shark Music,’ the emotions that you find difficult to be with when they are experienced openly by your own children. While this is generally attributed to the experience of negative emotional displays (crying, yelling, etc.), it can also be a difficulty with, or aversion to, the joyous and happy moments that a child has. For example, being unable to actively engage in play with your children and becoming a passive participant in these moments.  

David Oppenheim writes “it hurts to give that which you did not receive,” and it can be confronting to sit with and recognise the patterns of behaviour you are perpetuating as a parent, especially when measures you have taken to avoid repeating the behaviour of your own caregivers results in emotional avoidance and disconnection with your children.  

Identifying these triggers, and assessing where they come from, and beginning to move towards connection with your children instead of shutting them out or reacting aggressively can be challenging and deeply uncomfortable. But it is never too late to become the secure base that your child needs to understand and build secure relationships throughout their life. After all, the Circle of Security argues that if you can be consistent in your nurturing reactions to your child’s behaviour 30% of the time, this is good enough to be able to foster a secure attachment with your child.     

Oppenheim, D., & Goldsmith, D. F. (Eds.). (2011). Attachment theory in clinical work with children: Bridging the gap between research and practice. Guilford press.