If we seek information online about the ego and the soul, we might see depictions like those below, with the ego demonised in contrast to a pure soul; good versus bad.

             Image from: https://camhsprofessionals.co.uk/2021/04/01/ego-vs-soul-%F0%9F%8C%8D/

Image from: https://twitter.com/marcosalvarado_/status/1629238900819431424

In other depictions, the soul and ego are represented more as polarities on a spectrum, with the soul being the desirable and preferred side, and the ego still reflecting the ‘bad’ less desirable aspect, as in these examplese below.

Image from: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/ego-vs-soul-navigating-inner-conflict-self-discovery-growth-bankole

Image from: https://compassionfix.com/practices-main/ego-or-soul

Image from: https://sainttwenty.com/2022/10/03/living-from-ego-vs-soul/

As a general rule of thumb, if something is depicted as good versus bad, it is likely an oversimplification. Both of the above conceptions appear as misrepresentations and misdirections from an important understanding. If we focus on eliminating this ‘bad ego’ and aim to only live from some idealised version of self, the ‘good soul’ self, we miss a more fundamental awareness of our human nature and the potential for integration and healing. We also set ourselves up for failure, as the ego cannot simply be done away with. So if the ego isn’t bad, then what is it? How does it relate to the soul? The explanation below represents a working understanding that helps me in my personal life and practice.

Ego and Soul

For some basic definitions, the soul is the us that we innately are. It is our deepest core self, or core frequency. The ego is the conscious awareness of self and who we perceive ourselves to be. Carl Jung called the ego the ‘centre of the field of consciousness’.[1]

To go a little deeper, ego is a functional aspect of ourselves and is necessary for our existence and operation in physical existence. Our body involves structures that allow our mind to operate and to perceive the world around us. Perception of self is part of our perception of the world; we must have a conception of self in order to function as a person. Ego is, however, something that forms largely during our early years, and the formation process of the ego is not remembered. That aspect is unconscious, such that ego is made up of a conscious ‘I am’ aspect, and an unconscious ego-formation aspect. Hence exists the ego – our self-conceptualisation – neither inherently good nor bad.

The soul is a purely metaphysical aspect of our human self, our deepest aspect. It is the part of human us that is connected to an eternal Us, which may be conceived of as our spirit. It holds our individual blueprint, and represents our highest lifetime potential. The soul can have no presence in this material world without our physical existence, which entails our conscious self-perception. Ego is the reflection of the metaphysical soul in the physical world. Ego and soul are not polarities, nor do they operate on a spectrum. They are both essential facets of human composition.

Why is ego seen as bad?

In a perfect world, our rising conscious awareness as we grow in childhood would be a pure reflection of our soul self. Soul and ego would be aligned such that we would fully embody our soul in the physical world. However we do not live in a perfect world but a human one. Through the formative years of our infancy and early childhood, we learn various information through our experiences, observations and general interactions with the external world. This information becomes a new blueprint, or ‘program’, that effectively comes to overlay that of the soul.

Bruce Lipton, a developmental biologist and author, tells us that our level of consciousness until the age of seven years is at a level below conscious awareness.[2] Our brainwaves are theta frequency in our early childhood, which is equivalent to a state of hypnosis. Is it any wonder that we don’t remember much from these years aside from brief flashes of memory, similar to recollection of our nighttime dreaming state? It is in these years that we learn deeply embedded patterns of thinking and perceiving of parental, and even ancestral, origin. These patterns reflect individual and collective beliefs, expectations and experiences, and can be out of alignment with the soul. Where there is misalignment, we develop metaphysical wounds in our unconscious unconscious ego-formation.

What are wounds?

In essence, wounds are falsehoods, better named as distortions. They are false beliefs that shape our fundamental perception of ourselves and the world by extension. The collection of distortions forms a program, and as our connection to soul filters through this program our ego presents a distorted reflection that we believe as the truth of our self. The ‘bad’ that is popularly conceived is not the ego. It is the version of ego that exists reflecting the ego-formation created through metaphysical distortions. What we then embody, instead of our soul, includes our pattern of distortions.

The distortions might be considered to correlate with Jung’s ‘shadows’. Like the ego they themselves are not inherently bad; they are out of place as part of our self conception and can have a detrimental influence. The deeper they sit in our subconscious, the greater the likelihood of impact. In other words, the less known and recognised our distortions are to our conscious awareness, the less we have the opportunity to recognise and address them, and the more unwanted influence they can have on our lives. The more useful conceptual spectrum, rather than from ego to soul, is instead from an ego out of alignment with soul, to an ego in alignment with soul; a distorted reflection to a true reflection.

It is important to note that distortions are not terrible unrealised aspects of ourselves. They can be positive things that we don’t believe we possess or are allowed, like honest self expression, autonomy, personal power, or even love. In psychoanalysis, along with reference to ‘shadows’ there is also dark versus light. This differs from the dark and light that we may come across in, for example, personality research, where dark denotes a detrimental effect and light denotes a positive effect. In a psychoanalytic perspective, light means what is in conscious awareness, and dark means that which is not in the light of conscious awareness, i.e., the unconscious. When we are unconscious of our soul, it too sits in darkness.

Summary

The ego is our conscious awareness of self and a reflection of our core soul frequency in the physical world. It is only through our conscious awareness that we can know our soul, however what we know as our self is often filtered through distortions that we take on in our early life. If we can remedy this need to think of soul as good and ego as bad, we can start to appreciate the fullness of who we are, why we are as we are, and move towards self acceptance and a healthy integrated state.

About the Author Katie Beckwith

Katie is a psychotherapist at In Positive Health. Working with individuals aged 15 years and older, Katie seeks to enhance a client’s connection with their inner world through client-centred, holistic approaches. Her practice is founded on the delivery of personalised, compassionate, and effective care. Read more about Katie here.

References

1. Journal Psyche [Internet] n.d. [cited 8 June 2023]. Available from: https://journalpsyche.org/jungian-model-psyche/
2. After Skool. How to reprogram your mind – Dr. Bruce Lipton [Internet]: YouTube; 10 June 2020 [cited 8 June 2023]. Available from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e71exrhEBQc

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Our speech pathology and psychology clinic is located in Braddon, ACT, in Canberra’s CBD. Call us on 5117 4890 or email reception@inpositivehealth.com to get in touch.

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As a parent you may find yourself overwhelmed with directions from friends, family, and especially social media, explaining the right way to parent your children. It can be difficult to follow conflicting advice, or even understand what this advice really looks like in practice.  

Continuing from my last blog post, Breaking the Cycle: Fostering Secure Attachment in Parent/Child Relationships, this blog aims to expand on the concept of Good Enough Parenting, and give some examples of how this can be done.  

The Circle of Security program expresses the idea of a child being supported by their caregivers when the child is going out from them (exploring their world) and coming in to them (touching base). This does not always refer to a child leaving the vicinity of the parent/caregiver entirely – but can be as simple as sitting next to them doing an activity, or being on the opposite side of a room.  

The program encourages children to explore without fear of upsetting their caregiver, or being micromanaged in what they can play with and experience, and to return to the parent and be met with interest and delight. Being consistent in your engaged responses to these cues just 30% of the time is what it means to be Good Enough in your parenting.     

What can this look like? Responding to a child when they return from playing in another area of the home, or when they come to show you something they have found. Simply taking a few seconds to make eye-contact and engage in a conversation with your child before they leave to return to their activity. This is good enough! 

This is the action of the child ‘touching base’ with you, where children are seeking acknowledgement from their caregiver, to know that their caregiver is interested in them, in what they are doing, and genuinely approves of them. This sense of security and acknowledgment can be achieved in a brief few-word exchange.  

What else can this look like? Greeting your child positively after a period of separation. For example, when picking them up from school – by telling them how happy you are to see them. Asking them questions about artwork they have created and telling them they have done well. It is making a conscious effort to hold space for them, reenforcing that they are loved, and expresses to them that you are delighted in their existence. 

The Circle of Security program is similar to the work of John and Julie Gottman, who explain the positive effect of Emotion Coaching as a style of parenting. Emotion Coaching asks that parents listen with empathy and validate their children’s feelings as much as possible. When these feelings are not acknowledged by the caregiver, or if they are shut down as unimportant or wrong, it can be deeply upsetting for the child. Over time, the child may develop an aversion to seek connection and emotional regulation entirely, depending on the frequency and severity of the rejection.  

Remember: There is no such thing as perfect parenting. Being aware of this and attempting to become more attentive to the emotional needs of your children is a great starting point to foster security and improve connection. Engaging actively and positively with your children is a learning process that you will not always get right. The goal should be to do good enough, listen enough, respond enough, be interested enough.  

“Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” Catherine M. Wallace.  

Attachment Theory explains the critical need for infants and children to develop a secure attachment with their primary caregiver. Parents who experienced traumatic or negligent upbringings will likely develop insecure attachment styles themselves and may have difficulty fostering secure attachment with their own children. In essence, how you respond in times of big displays of emotion can directly relate to how these emotions were received and handled by your own primary caregivers in infancy and youth.  

For example, if as a child you were taught that crying was an inappropriate response and you would be verbally or physically punished, you may find that when your own child is crying, you become aggravated and yell, as this was what was modelled to you as a child. Alternatively, you may disengage completely – for not wanting to react the same way as your own caregivers, and remembering how an aggressive reaction made you feel – but being equally unable to engage with a nurturing, curious, involved response to the behaviour. This disengagement from emotional displays leaves children to attempt to regulate their emotions themselves, and over time they learn that they cannot depend on their caregiver to be with them when they are experiencing these emotions.  

The Circle of Security program refers to this triggering as your ‘Shark Music,’ the emotions that you find difficult to be with when they are experienced openly by your own children. While this is generally attributed to the experience of negative emotional displays (crying, yelling, etc.), it can also be a difficulty with, or aversion to, the joyous and happy moments that a child has. For example, being unable to actively engage in play with your children and becoming a passive participant in these moments.  

David Oppenheim writes “it hurts to give that which you did not receive,” and it can be confronting to sit with and recognise the patterns of behaviour you are perpetuating as a parent, especially when measures you have taken to avoid repeating the behaviour of your own caregivers results in emotional avoidance and disconnection with your children.  

Identifying these triggers, and assessing where they come from, and beginning to move towards connection with your children instead of shutting them out or reacting aggressively can be challenging and deeply uncomfortable. But it is never too late to become the secure base that your child needs to understand and build secure relationships throughout their life. After all, the Circle of Security argues that if you can be consistent in your nurturing reactions to your child’s behaviour 30% of the time, this is good enough to be able to foster a secure attachment with your child.     

Oppenheim, D., & Goldsmith, D. F. (Eds.). (2011). Attachment theory in clinical work with children: Bridging the gap between research and practice. Guilford press.  

Have you ever found yourself completely charmed by someone, only to become close with them and discover they view themselves as godlike or superior to those around them? Perhaps a loved one has made friends with a colleague at work who you notice actively puts down anyone who challenges their inflated self-perception. If these behaviours sound familiar to you, it is possible that you’re dealing with someone living with high-conflict narcissistic personality disorder. Whilst they only make up a small percentage of the population, having professional or personal relationships with these people can be incredibly draining, and it can be difficult to separate yourself once you have grown close with them as you run the risk of becoming a Target of Blame: the object of all of their shortcomings and someone they will seek revenge on socially, emotionally, and sometimes even physically. This information can be quite confronting, but fear not! According to Bill Eddy in his book,“5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life”, you can protect yourself from becoming a Target of Blame by following these guidelines: 

1. Don’t play the blame game. “It’s not me, it’s you” is their line, and stooping to their level isn’t going to improve the situation. Never imply that their behaviours are the cause for you wanting to leave, as this will undoubtably lead to them seeking revenge as a form of self-defense. Similarly, do not put the blame on yourself (eg: “I’m not ready to be in a romantic relationship”) as this validates their instincts to make you the Target of Blame.
2. What’s in it for them? Focus on external reasons as to why you are no longer right for them. Perhaps your friendship was formed over playing soccer and you express that you’re no longer interested in the sport, or maybe they’re a colleague and you have decided it’s best for both of your professional developments to not form close relationships within the workplace. Whatever the reason, it is important that they don’t see it as a rejection of them, but rather a circumstantial change. 
3. Stay calm, but firm. It’s important to enter the conversation cooly and avoid any emotional inflictions in your tone. If you appear nervous or emotionally charged, a high-conflict narcissist will seek to use this against you. Try to remain matter of fact and if they challenge what you’re saying, simply state that it’s your perspective and that you’ve made up your mind. 
4. Keep things short and genuine. Sending an abrupt text message or dragging the separation out over weeks is not going to make things easier. Instead, conduct a calm, in person conversation that lasts a few minutes. This will refortify to the other person that your decision isn’t a big deal and is not an attack on their character. 
5. Show them respect. Narcissists want to be admired by others, so expressing your respect for them can soften any feelings of rejection they may be experiencing (eg: “Even though I won’t be pursuing any relationships in my workplace, I’m still so inspired by your career growth, and I look forward to seeing what amazing work you’ll do next!”). Although you may not be telling them the whole truth, it is important not to lie. Find something you can genuinely compliment them for, or they may grow suspicious. 
6. Consider seeking professional support. If you’re concerned that these steps won’t be enough to avoid becoming a Target of Blame, it can be very useful to consult a therapist who can help you navigate the specific narcissistic behaviours you are dealing with and equip you with the tools you’ll need to successfully break away. It’s important to remember that people with high conflict personalities do not think and behave in line with the social rules most of us are accustomed to, which is why having a professional who can guide your communication is so valuable.