What ‘good enough’ parenting looks like

What ‘good enough’ parenting looks like

by | Jun 29, 2023 | Uncategorized

As a parent you may find yourself overwhelmed with directions from friends, family, and especially social media, explaining the right way to parent your children. It can be difficult to follow conflicting advice, or even understand what this advice really looks like in practice.  

Continuing from my last blog post, Breaking the Cycle: Fostering Secure Attachment in Parent/Child Relationships, this blog aims to expand on the concept of Good Enough Parenting, and give some examples of how this can be done.  

The Circle of Security program expresses the idea of a child being supported by their caregivers when the child is going out from them (exploring their world) and coming in to them (touching base). This does not always refer to a child leaving the vicinity of the parent/caregiver entirely – but can be as simple as sitting next to them doing an activity, or being on the opposite side of a room.  

The program encourages children to explore without fear of upsetting their caregiver, or being micromanaged in what they can play with and experience, and to return to the parent and be met with interest and delight. Being consistent in your engaged responses to these cues just 30% of the time is what it means to be Good Enough in your parenting.     

What can this look like? Responding to a child when they return from playing in another area of the home, or when they come to show you something they have found. Simply taking a few seconds to make eye-contact and engage in a conversation with your child before they leave to return to their activity. This is good enough! 

This is the action of the child ‘touching base’ with you, where children are seeking acknowledgement from their caregiver, to know that their caregiver is interested in them, in what they are doing, and genuinely approves of them. This sense of security and acknowledgment can be achieved in a brief few-word exchange.  

What else can this look like? Greeting your child positively after a period of separation. For example, when picking them up from school – by telling them how happy you are to see them. Asking them questions about artwork they have created and telling them they have done well. It is making a conscious effort to hold space for them, reenforcing that they are loved, and expresses to them that you are delighted in their existence. 

The Circle of Security program is similar to the work of John and Julie Gottman, who explain the positive effect of Emotion Coaching as a style of parenting. Emotion Coaching asks that parents listen with empathy and validate their children’s feelings as much as possible. When these feelings are not acknowledged by the caregiver, or if they are shut down as unimportant or wrong, it can be deeply upsetting for the child. Over time, the child may develop an aversion to seek connection and emotional regulation entirely, depending on the frequency and severity of the rejection.  

Remember: There is no such thing as perfect parenting. Being aware of this and attempting to become more attentive to the emotional needs of your children is a great starting point to foster security and improve connection. Engaging actively and positively with your children is a learning process that you will not always get right. The goal should be to do good enough, listen enough, respond enough, be interested enough.  

“Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” Catherine M. Wallace.  

About the Author Jacinta Moores

Jacinta is in her final year of a Bachelor of Science in Psychology at the University of Canberra.

Our speech pathology and psychology clinic is located in Braddon, ACT, in Canberra’s CBD. Call us on 5117 4890 or email reception@inpositivehealth.com to get in touch.

In Positive Health, Canberra. Nel MacBean Speech Pathologist Canberra. Campbell MacBean Psychologist Canberra.

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The Light Side of Personality

The Light Side of Personality

by | Jun 22, 2023 | Uncategorized

In 2002, the Dark Triad became the next big thing in understanding human personality. Researchers Paulhus and Williams[1] mapped a construct constituting the ‘dark’ aspects of humanity, uncovering three distinct yet related facets; Machievellianism, narcissism and psychopathy. The Dark Triad joined other prominent models, the Five Factor Model[2] and HEXACO,[3,4] in becoming a heavy focus of personality research. Dark Triad personalities have shown relationship with workplace, education, intimate, interpersonal and antisocial behaviours.[5]

Seventeen years later, a new concept emerged. While the Dark Triad has provided a focus for lessening the impacts of the darker facets of human nature, it paints a somewhat limited view of the fullness of what it means to be human. ‘What about the light side of humanity?’, these new researchers asked, leading the development of a Light Triad,[6] encompassing factors of humanism, Kantianism, and faith in humanity.

As a relative newcomer to the stage of personality research, there is limited research as yet exploring the outcomes of high or low Light Triad nature, however the construct itself has demonstrated its own unique place in understanding personality. The Light Triad shows strong association with Agreeableness of the Five Factor Model and with Honesty-Humility of the HEXACO model, and a moderate negative correlation with the Dark Triad model. It has shown itself to be more than simply the opposite of the Dark Triad, with both dark and light evident in people simultaneously, and studies concluded that “the absence of darkness does not necessarily indicate the presence of light”.[6,7]

One of the main proponents of the Light Triad went on to explore measurement of paradoxical concepts of healthy selfishness and pathological altruism in 2020.[8] These concepts had been identified in previous work. Healthy selfishness was noted as a “healthy respect for one’s own health, growth, happiness, joy, and freedom [which] can have a positive impact both on the self and on others”.[9] Pathological altruism acknowledges the unintended negative consequences of seeming altruism on the self and others despite the best conscious intentions.[10]

We might say that there is a generally and commonly accepted understanding that selfishness is bad and being selfless is good, and we may have ideas of what this looks like and know how to act out selfishness and selflessness. This research acknowledges that it is not just behaviour that is important, but also the motivation behind and the impact of the behaviour.

Interesting findings out of this research included that the Light Triad was positively associated with healthy selfishness yet showed no relationship with pathological altruism. The researchers concluded that caring for oneself is strongly tied to caring for others. Pathological altruism, on the other hand, was associated with vulnerable narcissism, related strongly to sensitivity of the perception by others. In other words, there is a need to be seen in a certain way by other people that drives behaviour that, on the surface, may by considered altruistic and ‘helping’ in intent.[8]

In practical terms, we may be able to recognise a truth in that we cannot care for others adequately if we do not care first for ourselves. This means putting ourselves first when it counts. Putting ourselves first can counterintuitively be an act of benevolence and giving towards others if it means we are then better able to give our best towards altruistic acts in a more long-term and sustainable manner. It represents a core of giving. It is healthy to do our best to ensure that we are in peak wellbeing, even if it may be perceived on the surface, and in the short term, as selfishness.

Conversely, we can do things for others purely to suit ourselves. Maybe it is because we want to impress others, or to make someone specific see us in a certain light, or to vindictively prove someone wrong who is trying to hold us accountable for prior damaging behaviour. Or we have a deep underlying wound that unconsciously drives us to seek validation from others, and we gain this validation through appearing selfless. These motivations are ultimately about how we look to others and reflect a core of self-focus and of inadvertently using others as a means to an end.

How do we know whether our selfishness is healthy, or our altruism is pathological? We can honestly reflect on the outcomes of our behaviour on ourselves and others, and we can consider this over the short and long term. We may want to explore our motivations, which can be more challenging as there can be feelings of shame or obligation influencing us strongly and blocking our honest self-appraisal. This is an area where a therapist can support self-reflection with compassion and a lack of judgement towards better self-understanding and positive redirection.

Often in therapy there can be a lot of focus on holding back the darkness, and I find it comforting to now see researchers actively turning their view towards the light. The light and the dark are not mirror opposites – they are different qualities that we each possess and are part of our essential human make up.

This is a positive reminder of what it means to work therapeutically with people. In therapeutic work, we are not simply seeking to identify darkness, or diagnoses of pathology; we also seek the light. We want and need to involve the whole person in the therapeutic process. Both aspects have their own purpose and power. In the light we find our strength and the trust in ourselves to face the darkness; in the darkness we find our catalyst to pursue the light.

About the Author Katie Beckwith

Katie is a psychotherapist at In Positive Health. Working with individuals aged 15 years and older, Katie seeks to enhance a client’s connection with their inner world through client-centred, holistic approaches. Her practice is founded on the delivery of personalised, compassionate, and effective care. Read more about Katie here.

References

  1. Paulhus DL, Williams KM. The Dark Triad of personality: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Journal of Research in Personality. 2002;36(6):556-63. doi: 10.1016/S0092-6566(02)00505-6.
  2. Costa PT, McCrae RR, Dye DA. Facet Scales for Agreeableness and Conscientiousness: A Revision of the NEO Personality Inventory. Pers Individ Differ. 1991;12(9):887-98. doi: 10.1016/0191-8869(91)90177-D.
  3. Ashton MC, Lee K. A theoretical basis for the major dimensions of personality. European journal of personality. 2001;15(5):327-53. doi: 10.1002/per.417.
  4. Lee K, Ashton MC. Psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and Narcissism in the Five-Factor Model and the HEXACO model of personality structure. Pers Individ Differ. 2005;38(7):1571-82. doi: 10.1016/j.paid.2004.09.016.
  5. Furnham A, Richards SC, Paulhus DL. The Dark Triad of Personality: A 10 Year Review. Social and Personality Psychology Compass. 2013;7(3):199-216. doi: 10.1111/spc3.12018.
  6. Kaufman SB, Yaden DB, Hyde E, Tsukayama E. The Light vs. Dark Triad of Personality: Contrasting Two Very Different Profiles of Human Nature. Front Psychol. 2019;10:467. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00467.
  7. Lukic P, Zivanovic M. Shedding light on the Light Triad: Further evidence on structural, construct, and predictive validity of the Light Triad. Pers Individ Differ. 2021;178:110876. doi: 10.1016/j.paid.2021.110876.
  8. Kaufman SB, Jauk E. Healthy Selfishness and Pathological Altruism: Measuring Two Paradoxical Forms of Selfishness. Front Psychol. 2020;11:1006-. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01006.
  9. Maslow AH. Is human nature basically selfish? In: Hoffman E, editor. Future Visions: The Unpublished Papers of Abraham Maslow. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publicactions; 1943/1996. p. 107–14.
  10. Oakley B, Knafo A, McGrath M. Pathological altruism – An introduction. In: Oakley B, Knafo A, Madhavan G, Wilson DS, editors. Pathological altruism. New York, NY: Oxford University Press; 2012. p. 3–9.

 

Our speech pathology and psychology clinic is located in Braddon, ACT, in Canberra’s CBD. Call us on 5117 4890 or email reception@inpositivehealth.com to get in touch.

In Positive Health, Canberra. Nel MacBean Speech Pathologist Canberra. Campbell MacBean Psychologist Canberra.

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Breaking the Cycle: Fostering Secure Attachment in Parent/Child Relationships

Breaking the Cycle: Fostering Secure Attachment in Parent/Child Relationships

by | Jun 13, 2023 | Uncategorized

Attachment Theory explains the critical need for infants and children to develop a secure attachment with their primary caregiver. Parents who experienced traumatic or negligent upbringings will likely develop insecure attachment styles themselves and may have difficulty fostering secure attachment with their own children. In essence, how you respond in times of big displays of emotion can directly relate to how these emotions were received and handled by your own primary caregivers in infancy and youth.  

For example, if as a child you were taught that crying was an inappropriate response and you would be verbally or physically punished, you may find that when your own child is crying, you become aggravated and yell, as this was what was modelled to you as a child. Alternatively, you may disengage completely – for not wanting to react the same way as your own caregivers, and remembering how an aggressive reaction made you feel – but being equally unable to engage with a nurturing, curious, involved response to the behaviour. This disengagement from emotional displays leaves children to attempt to regulate their emotions themselves, and over time they learn that they cannot depend on their caregiver to be with them when they are experiencing these emotions.  

The Circle of Security program refers to this triggering as your ‘Shark Music,’ the emotions that you find difficult to be with when they are experienced openly by your own children. While this is generally attributed to the experience of negative emotional displays (crying, yelling, etc.), it can also be a difficulty with, or aversion to, the joyous and happy moments that a child has. For example, being unable to actively engage in play with your children and becoming a passive participant in these moments.  

David Oppenheim writes “it hurts to give that which you did not receive,” and it can be confronting to sit with and recognise the patterns of behaviour you are perpetuating as a parent, especially when measures you have taken to avoid repeating the behaviour of your own caregivers results in emotional avoidance and disconnection with your children.  

Identifying these triggers, and assessing where they come from, and beginning to move towards connection with your children instead of shutting them out or reacting aggressively can be challenging and deeply uncomfortable. But it is never too late to become the secure base that your child needs to understand and build secure relationships throughout their life. After all, the Circle of Security argues that if you can be consistent in your nurturing reactions to your child’s behaviour 30% of the time, this is good enough to be able to foster a secure attachment with your child.     

Oppenheim, D., & Goldsmith, D. F. (Eds.). (2011). Attachment theory in clinical work with children: Bridging the gap between research and practice. Guilford press.  

About the Author Jacinta Moores

Jacinta is in her final year of a Bachelor of Science in Psychology at the University of Canberra.

Our speech pathology and psychology clinic is located in Braddon, ACT, in Canberra’s CBD. Call us on 5117 4890 or email reception@inpositivehealth.com to get in touch.

In Positive Health, Canberra. Nel MacBean Speech Pathologist Canberra. Campbell MacBean Psychologist Canberra.

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“It’s Not Me, It’s You” – How to Break Things Off with a Narcissist. 

“It’s Not Me, It’s You” – How to Break Things Off with a Narcissist. 

by | May 31, 2023 | Uncategorized

Have you ever found yourself completely charmed by someone, only to become close with them and discover they view themselves as godlike or superior to those around them? Perhaps a loved one has made friends with a colleague at work who you notice actively puts down anyone who challenges their inflated self-perception. If these behaviours sound familiar to you, it is possible that you’re dealing with someone living with high-conflict narcissistic personality disorder. Whilst they only make up a small percentage of the population, having professional or personal relationships with these people can be incredibly draining, and it can be difficult to separate yourself once you have grown close with them as you run the risk of becoming a Target of Blame: the object of all of their shortcomings and someone they will seek revenge on socially, emotionally, and sometimes even physically. This information can be quite confronting, but fear not! According to Bill Eddy in his book,“5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life”, you can protect yourself from becoming a Target of Blame by following these guidelines: 

  1. Don’t play the blame game. “It’s not me, it’s you” is their line, and stooping to their level isn’t going to improve the situation. Never imply that their behaviours are the cause for you wanting to leave, as this will undoubtably lead to them seeking revenge as a form of self-defense. Similarly, do not put the blame on yourself (eg: “I’m not ready to be in a romantic relationship”) as this validates their instincts to make you the Target of Blame.
  2. What’s in it for them? Focus on external reasons as to why you are no longer right for them. Perhaps your friendship was formed over playing soccer and you express that you’re no longer interested in the sport, or maybe they’re a colleague and you have decided it’s best for both of your professional developments to not form close relationships within the workplace. Whatever the reason, it is important that they don’t see it as a rejection of them, but rather a circumstantial change. 
  3. Stay calm, but firm. It’s important to enter the conversation cooly and avoid any emotional inflictions in your tone. If you appear nervous or emotionally charged, a high-conflict narcissist will seek to use this against you. Try to remain matter of fact and if they challenge what you’re saying, simply state that it’s your perspective and that you’ve made up your mind. 
  4. Keep things short and genuine. Sending an abrupt text message or dragging the separation out over weeks is not going to make things easier. Instead, conduct a calm, in person conversation that lasts a few minutes. This will refortify to the other person that your decision isn’t a big deal and is not an attack on their character. 
  5. Show them respect. Narcissists want to be admired by others, so expressing your respect for them can soften any feelings of rejection they may be experiencing (eg: “Even though I won’t be pursuing any relationships in my workplace, I’m still so inspired by your career growth, and I look forward to seeing what amazing work you’ll do next!”). Although you may not be telling them the whole truth, it is important not to lie. Find something you can genuinely compliment them for, or they may grow suspicious. 
  6. Consider seeking professional support. If you’re concerned that these steps won’t be enough to avoid becoming a Target of Blame, it can be very useful to consult a therapist who can help you navigate the specific narcissistic behaviours you are dealing with and equip you with the tools you’ll need to successfully break away. It’s important to remember that people with high conflict personalities do not think and behave in line with the social rules most of us are accustomed to, which is why having a professional who can guide your communication is so valuable. 

About the Author Sasha Brooksby

Sasha is in her final year of a Bachelor of Science in Psychology at the University of Canberra.

Our speech pathology and psychology clinic is located in Braddon, ACT, in Canberra’s CBD. Call us on 5117 4890 or email reception@inpositivehealth.com to get in touch.

In Positive Health, Canberra. Nel MacBean Speech Pathologist Canberra. Campbell MacBean Psychologist Canberra.

 

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Bring your relationship back to square one in just seven sleeps!

Bring your relationship back to square one in just seven sleeps!

by | Apr 11, 2023 | Couples Therapy

The Gottman Institute ‘Love Prescription’

John and Julie Gottman created a ‘prescription’ following Gottman Therapy, to ultimately challenge couples to make small yet significant changes in their relationship for 7 days. Each day, there is a new ‘task’ or ‘challenge’ to complete and focus on to form a deeper long-term connection with your partner. 

Day one begins with making contact – so simple yet effective. This can be done by ‘turning toward’ your partner when they initiate for a bid for connection. ‘Turning toward’ simply means to respond and make a connection when the other person is trying to connect with you or gain your attention in some form. 

Day two attempts to connect on a deeper level with your partner by ‘asking a big question’. Big questions are open-ended, not just a yes/no reply, but really going back to the basics about getting to know one another. This is called filling in the love map, creating your own path. 

Day three is about expressing thanks and gratitude to your partner. Every partnership is unique, with unique challenges and by changing your filter to begin to see the positive actions rather than the negative, a new pathway in your brain will activate to see through a positive lens. 

Day four’s activity is to give real compliments to one another. Really digging back to the question of why you fell in love with your partner in the first place. By amplifying these positive qualities, the foundation of affection, respect and friendship will begin to arise, allowing you to express the qualities you are seeing. 

Day five is about asking your partner what you need. What you want may be easier than asking for what you need, but to learn how to express rather than suppress is very important. Timing matters, ask ‘are you available’, so you can express feelings at once, taking the pressure off. 

Day six is to reach out and touch. Touch can be seen as a powerful drug, creating strong bonding and connection. Strengthen your emotional and physical connection by simply participating in the magic of ‘mini-touches’. 

Day seven, lastly, is declaring date night. Go out and have some fun, expand those love maps! In this time, ask open-ended questions, give positive touches, experience adventure. Starving relationships require all of these things to be protected at all costs. 

These small yet successful steps, which can be completed within 10 mins, can ultimately transform the outcome of your relationship, creating better bonds and connection. Are you willing to try? 

The above information is a summary of The Love Prescription, a book written by Drs John and Julie Gottman. It may be purchased from their website here.

 

About the Author Tiana Di Genova

Tiana is in her final year of a Bachelor of Science in Psychology at the University of Canberra.

Our speech pathology and psychology clinic is located in Braddon, ACT, in Canberra’s CBD. Call us on 5117 4890 or email reception@inpositivehealth.com to get in touch.

In Positive Health, Canberra. Nel MacBean Speech Pathologist Canberra. Campbell MacBean Psychologist Canberra.

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